Ever walk away from a conversation thinking, “Ugh, why did I say that?” Or make a small mistake and go into a full-on shame spiral? If so, welcome to the club.
But here’s the truth: nobody’s thinking about you as much as you think they are. Not in a dismissive way. In a freeing, liberating, take-a-deep-breath kind of way. And that’s amazing news.
You’re not the main character in everyone else’s mind. They’re too busy being the main character in their own. Once we realize people aren’t nearly as focused on our mistakes as we fear, it frees us up. So go ahead: misstep, flub, fumble. Nobody cares!
The spotlight effect
There’s a name for this mental trap: the spotlight effect. It’s the cognitive bias that makes us think everyone’s watching and judging our every move. But the truth is that most people are too busy worrying about their own stuff to worry about yours.
Our stories vs. reality
Let’s say you wear mismatched socks to the grocery store and think it’s a fashion emergency. Meanwhile, the guy behind you is panicking because he thinks he bought the wrong type of milk. We create entire stories about what people might be thinking. But most of those stories aren’t real.
“Nobody cares, David.”
Remember that scene from Schitt’s Creek, when David is freaking out about his driving test and Alexis snaps “Nobody cares, David”? Later, David realizes his instructor is half-scrolling through TikTok. Literally, not caring. It’s a great scene, and while funny, it’s also a powerful lesson and incredibly freeing.
That time I booked the wrong flight
I have a conference coming up and totally misread the agenda, so I’m flying in and out on all the wrong days. I started spiraling, stressing to my friend: “What am I going to tell people when they ask why I’m leaving halfway through?” (It’s way too expensive to change my flights now.) She looked at me and said, “Nobody cares.” It cracked me up, and she was right. That comment is what inspired this post. Also, I don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Conclusion
The next time you catch yourself spiraling over something small, like what you said, how you looked, or what someone might be thinking, pause and remind yourself: nobody’s watching as closely as you think they are (or at all).
You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to perform. You get to be human.
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